Feel Me Don't You

[...] Open up the blog for various guest bloggers like the Dear Corey post. This serves a couple purposes. I have heard from more than one blogger on more than one [...]

Dear Bud Selig –

Barry Bonds should be put down like Barbaro. What’s that you say? Barbaro wasn’t “put down”? Hahahahaha, you naive little thing. You adorable, sweet, naive little thing you.

- Corey

Dear I Love Meat –

Again, this thread jumped the shark days ago. The best way to grill a steak is to cook it using a flame that extends from a lighter that is powered by your own farts.

- Corey

Dear Jessie,

Can you believe this thing is still going? I mean, it’s been 10 days since the original post, which is like 12 years in blog-time. My guess is that no one is reading anymore, so the answers I give make no difference. A whole tree in the forest type thing at this point, you know? So, Jessie, I say use a schnauzer for the lure, bait the hook using a toothbrush, and wear a suit of armor. And you must do this all using only mime and gibberish! Four minutes begins NOW!

- Corey

Dear Corey,

What should be done about Barry Bonds and this whole steroid issue with regard to the home run chase? Should his totals count?

Dear Corey,

What’s the best way to prepare a steak on the grill?

Dear Corey,

My husband is taking me along on his annual fishing trip and I have never been fishing before in my life. What would you recommend for lures? What’s the best way to bait a hook? Should I bring along something sexy to wear for what will surely be a musky (no pun intended), manly weekend or is that just a waste of time?

Dear Inappropriate Co-Worker of Pete –

I could give you some run of the mill cuss words in Hebrew, but from time to time I find that to be boring. Plus, swear words are meant to ellicit a little response from the recipient, and that won’t happen if they don’t know what the word means. So, in other words, if you want to swear…have the balls to swear in English.

These words/phrases, however, aren’t swear words but rather some colorful use of a foreign language to sprinkle into your conversations just to keep folks on their toes:
- Dapar (da-PAR): idiot. doofus. beyond inept. “George Bush is so dapar.”

- Kooneifa (KOO-nay-fa): Ugly or disgustingly unattractive. “Oy that Rosie O’Donnell is kooneifa!”

- Ma’afaan (MA-ah-fahn): really bad. piss poor. below par. “Ew. Honey, your meatloaf is ma’afaan. I’m ordering Chinese.”

- Shavor zayin (sha-VOR ZYE-in): that feeling of being kicked in the nuts. “Ugh. Monday, right? Shavor zayin.”

- Jeefa (JEE-fa): literally the icky unusable material leftover after the oil has been extracted from olives. “Nasty! What’s on my shoe? Some kind of jeefa!”

- M’jai’ef (Muh-JYE-ef): the adjective form of Jeefa above. “Gross, I stepped in something and now my shoes are all m’jai’ef!”

- Skh’leh (shkuh-LEH): Similar to Jeefa, it’s the liquid that forms at the bottom of a sack of garbage. “I don’t know what kind of skh’leh is on your hands, but please wash them before you eat.”

- Ein matzav (AYN mot-TSAHV): No way in hell. “Do I want to see Celine Dion in concert? Ein matzav.”

Shalom!
Corey

Dear Pete –

What’s your hurry? I mean, it’s only 2007, these mobile phone things may just be a fad that will never take off. Don’t jump into getting something like a mobile phone too quickly.

Corey

Dear God –

What chair?

Corey

Dear Corey,

What are some good Hebrew swear words/phrases and how are they pronounced?

Dear Corey,

I’m looking for an internet enabled phone that isn’t cumbersome. I would like it to have Windows Mobile as the OS. What would you recommend?

Dear Corey,

Why?

Dear Bowzer –

Barry Mann and Gerry Goffin. I know you’re from the 70′s and dressed to look like you’re from the 50′s, sort of, so the whole notion of time moving forward and innovation and such has probably zipped right by you. There’s this thing now, called “Google”. It’s very handy.

Corey

Dear Corey,

Who put the bop in the “bop shoo bop shoo bop”?

Dear Pete –

You tell them that they are 10% correct, 35% stupid, 9% retarded, 1% a smug mofo, 3% Asian, 37% jealous, and 5% other.

100% Corey

Dear Smug Mofo –

I know. Seriously. And why can’t more people give backhanded compliments in really clever ways, too? And why aren’t more people like us, you know douchebags who are also awesome? You know, like we are. Yeah, us! You and me, man! BSMFF – Best Smug Mofo Friends Forever! We!

- Corey

Dear Corey,

How do you deal with someone who states that you only want to talk to a woman because you 30% want to be her friend and 70% want to have sex with her?

Dear Corey,

You seem to have grown more and more like me. Why can’t others see the error of their ways and be more like us?

Dear Anne,

Or, you can take an alternate route. Truth be known, only Cory knows all and sees all. However, sometimes, things are so infitesimial compared to his Coryness that small alternatives are overlooked.

I don’t advise this, but it worked for me:

1. Move to a smaller city, say Des Moines.
2. Start your own improv troupe to bring quality entertainment to the “masses.”
3. Be revered as an improvisational god.
4. Sit back and enjoy as the cash starts rolling in. (OPTIONAL)
5. Attend workshops and network with improvisors from other areas, such as KC, Chicago, or LA.
6. Realize you might not be the improvisational god you had grown to think you are.
7. See step 1.

Joe

Dear Anne,

When you say “the local scene” I’m going to assume you’re talking about Kansas City. I’m not there, as you may or may not realize. I used to be in KC, but now I’m tri-coastal. As in Atlantic, Pacific and Michigan. Anyway, the first thing you must do is get over the quote-unquote level of “talent” you’re seeing. No one there is that good. Trust me. All the really good improvisers move away. That’s just the natural course of things. In fact, if you’re going to be a good improviser you should know your future ahead of time. It goes a little something like this:
1. get hooked on the fun of improvising.
2. start doing a bunch of shows and meeting fun people.
3. realize that you’re better than everyone around you.
4. realize that the people teaching you have no business teaching anyone.
5. grow angry and jaded at the establishments that don’t appreciate the people on stage who actually provide entertainment value to the paying customers.
6. notice that you’ve never been paid.
7. move to LA, NY or Chicago.
8. start all over back at one.

Best of luck and we’ll see you on SNL in no time!

Ouch!

Dear Concerned Parent –

There’s nothing you can do to stop it. If your kid is going to be a child star, their path is going to be littered with vodka, jail time, stints in rehab, public vomiting, murder, unfortunate semen stains, heroin, and sex with people completely innapropriate for them. It saddens me to see people trying to fight the inevitable. You should take a cue from the smart ones like Dina Lohan, a visionary who is ahead of her time and will be lauded in the future for knowing that you can’t stop greatness and the more you facilitate the tawdry the bigger a star your child will be.

- Corey

Dear Lydia –

I think you’re confusing me with Jay Thomas, who famously portrayed hockey goalie and Ice Capades superstar Eddie LeBec on “Cheers”. That’s okay, I’m flattered to be compared to the greats.

Is Haim as much of a dbag as he looks? That’s like asking if Yao Ming is as tall as he looks, if Nicole Richie is as skinny as she looks or if Djimon Hounsou is as black as he looks. Come on.

Even more Corey than I look,
- Corey

Dear Curious in Calumet –

The bar brawl question has been realized on several occasions, actually. It’s Feldman. Because he fights dirty. Because he’s crazy. Because he’s on ridiculous amounts of drugs. At all times. Crazy dirty.

- Corey

Dear Can Not Commit –

That’s the age old question, isn’t it? I think it was the ancient philosopher John Cougar (in the pre-Mellencamp era) who first wrote “I need a lover that won’t drive me crazy. Some girl to thrill me and then go away. I need a lover that won’t drive me crazy. Some girl that knows the meaning of Hey hit the highway.”

I guess my point is, as you can see from this sage writing, man has been seeking this elusive, theoretical, “relationship-Yeti” if you will…for centuries. Keep the dream alive and keep searching, brother. Someday…..someday….

- Corey

Dear Anne,

When you say “the local scene” I’m going to assume you’re talking about Kansas City. I’m not there, as you may or may not realize. I used to be in KC, but now I’m tri-coastal. As in Atlantic, Pacific and Michigan. Anyway, the first thing you must do is get over the quote-unquote level of “talent” you’re seeing. No one there is that good. Trust me. All the really good improvisers move away. That’s just the natural course of things. In fact, if you’re going to be a good improviser you should know your future ahead of time. It goes a little something like this:
1. get hooked on the fun of improvising.
2. start doing a bunch of shows and meeting fun people.
3. realize that you’re better than everyone around you.
4. realize that the people teaching you have no business teaching anyone.
5. grow angry and jaded at the establishments that don’t appreciate the people on stage who actually provide entertainment value to the paying customers.
6. notice that you’ve never been paid.
7. move to LA, NY or Chicago.
8. start all over back at one.

Best of luck and we’ll see you on SNL in no time!

- Corey

Dear Corey,

As the parent of a future child star, what’s the best way to keep them centered so they don’t follow down the same tawdry path like former child stars Lisa Welchel, Jodie Sweetin, or Clint Howard?

What was it like to work with such heavy hitters from Cheers as Ted Danson, Shelly Long, Rhea Pearlman, and John Ratzenberger? Is Haim as much of a dbag as he now looks?

Dear Corey,

Which of you 3 Coreys would win a drunken bar brawl?

Dear Corey,

You seem to have had an endless supply of tail. How do you find that right one that you can spend the rest of your life with who won’t drive you bonkers in 15 minutes?

Dear Corey,

I am a relative n00bie when it comes to improvisation. I have enjoyed reading the local forums and even this blog. I was an eager participant back in my hometown of Sunnyvale, CA, but I’m having a hard time approaching people in the local scene. I’m feeling very overwhelmed with the level of talent locally. What would you suggest? Who should I contact? Would you recommend any particular instructors/coaches here?

Dear Pete –

Do update your blog with hilarious features like “Ask Corey” and such. Don’t sell out and allow stupid advertisements on your site where the user is bombarded with pop up ads, ridiculous animated images, and seizure-inducing flashing pictures imploring you to “punch the monkey” or other similar asinine activities. Nothing makes me want to choke the shit out of some blogger more than being attacked with advertisements on their site. You want to advertise on your website? Fine, then start a porn site like everyone else! Dammit! Keep up the good work!

- Corey

Dear Strapped in Seattle –

I didn’t know much about investing, so I did some research online. Everyone says to diversify your portfolio. It’s all about diversity. Then I figured, there’s no place more diverse and no place more awesome than America! So, I have realigned my investments to more accurately reflect the diversity of our great nation. I suggest you do the same. Here’s how I would recommend setting up your investments:

75% of Americans are white, so put 75% of your money in U.S. Governement bonds. There’s nothing whiter than the federal government right now. 12% of the country is black, so 12% should be invested in FUBU, Inc. Since about 12% of Americans are hispanic, I have 12% of my portfolio tied up in Chipotle stock. Accordingly, 3.6% of the population is Asian, so 3.6% should be invested in any fortune cookie manufacturer you can find. Any of ‘em will do. Keep in mind 80% of the country is Christian, so 80% of your investment should go toward buying stock in Wonder Bread, and 1.5% is Jewish, so that portion should be invested in Manishewitz. Remember, investing is a marathon, not a sprint. Unless you’re old. Then sprint!

Corey-ily cashing in,
Corey

Dear Carmen,

Okay, it sounds like you did some orange sunshine. Alright, Carmen, just listen. Everything is going to be fine. You’re very high right now. You will probably be that way for about five more hours. Try taking some vitamin B complex, vitamin C complex…if you have a beer, go ahead and drink it. Just remember you’re a living organism on this planet, and you’re very safe. You’ve just taken a heavy drug. Relax, stay inside and listen to some music, Okay? Do you have any Allman Brothers? I’m against drug use myself, but I’m not going to lay that on you right now. Just mellow out the best you can, okay?

- Corey

Dear Corey,

I’m looking for ways to jazz up my blog. What are some good do’s and don’ts to accomplish this?

Dear Corey,

I’m looking for a way to build up a nice little nest egg for my family, but I don’t understand investing. What advice do you have for a family just starting out?

Dear Corey,

Where the hell am I? What was that? Tequila? Who were all those people?

Dear Joe –

It must be rough to be just another Joe Blow out there. I have no idea how that feels. You might try changing your last name from Blow to something more memorable. Ha ha. I’m clearly joking. Look, sometimes you just have to come to grips with the hand life has dealt you. Take it up with your parents who chose such a common name. Or look on the bright side, you could have had the kind of parents who take choose regular names for their kids, but then fuck it all up by trying to be clever with the spelling. Case in point, I know this kid in junior high who was one of 7 kids, and all his siblings had names that started with “K”. So when his folks got to him, they liked the name “Craig” but chose to spell it “Kregg”, forever handicapping their child the first impression of a douchebag. Or like if you were a girl named “Nicole” but your parents chose to spell it much more pretentously as “Nychole”.

Finding the silver-lined Corey-ness,

Corey

Dear Dikembe –

Answer to Question 1: While I am a serviceable role player on the bball court (I play decent defense, rebound, and work the high-low post and pick-and-roll quite effectively) I would lose the vertical leap competition as well as the one-on-one tournament to both Haim and Feldman. And it all comes back to one reason: drugs. Haven’t you read a paper in the past 16 years? Those boys do some serious drugs. I can’t compete with that. Drugs make you a very good baller. That’s why the NBA had to get rid of Michael Ray Richardson. He was mocking them with his cocaine-induced productivity. On blow, that guy could score at will. After being forced into rehab, he couldn’t get the proverbial ball proverbially wet if he shot it into the proverbial Pacific Ocean. Anway, as to who wins between the other two Coreys? Who knows. Depends on the day, the drug, and the weather. If I were a betting man (I am) and this was actually happening (I wish) my money would be placed on Haim to take Felds.

Answer to Question 2: 20,000.

- C to the R

Dear Cory,

As a card-carrying member of the Joes United, I am often lost in the crowd of Joes worldwide. (At least we’re more recognizable than Steves or Mikes!) Anyway, although I could never achieve true Corey-ness, what can I do to stand out as an individual in a sea of Joes?

Signed,

I want to by Cory when I grow up!

Dear Corey,

Who has the highest vertical leap between Mr. Haim, Mr. Feldman, and yourself? Who would win if you were to compete against each other in a basketball one-on-one? How many women have you slept with during your basketball career?

Dear Notsumcheapbarfly –

I think it’s fine, as long as its truly hot. And I mean by both parties. I’m obviously not OK with uggo on uggo girlie action, and I’m equally not ok with hot on uggo action. I’m not a huge fan of watching, to be honest. It seems like it would be overly frustrating. I almost said “over frustrating”, which is sort of true, too, I guess.

- Corey

Dear MTV Wannabe –

My favorite musical group or artist of all time would probably be Ben Folds with and without the Five. It stems from the time I took trip, and climed a tree at Robert Sledge’s party. It was there I stayed, til morning came. I was not the same after that.

My favorite video is a new one I just saw the other day being played on Fuse, the channel that MTV used to be. It was called “Empty Tank” by this band Blackpool LIghts.

My favorite VJ was JJ Jackson, back in the day. He presided over the big KISS sans-makeup unveiling event.

Thanks for writing!

- Corey

Dear Corey,

What do you think of hot girl on girl action? Would/do you like to watch?

Dear Corey,

Who is your favorite musical group or artist of all time and why? What is your favorite video? Who is/was your favorite VJ?

Craig – there’s no harm in asking. As I always say “there are no stupid questions!” That said, however, that was the stupidest question I’ve ever heard.

Of course I realize that I look like a dork on that Segway. No one rides a Segway because they look cool. That’s like asking someone if they drive a Prius, become a vegan or wear hemp clothes because it scores them massive amounts of tail. Of course not. We do it for several other reasons, though. For some it’s environmental consciousness, for me it was because my uncle paid for it. And mostly because it was fun. Dorkiness be damned, it was a gorgeous day, on the lakefront, cruising around the city on a fun little vehicle. Lastly, be careful about condemning others for doing things that look a little dorky. If you avoided doing any activities that you looked like a dork doing, you’d have never met your children.

Corey-ily yours,
Corey

Dear Corey-

I hate to have to ask this question, but do you realize you look like a dork on that Segway?

Dear Rittfan1 –

Let’s be fair. Not all other Corey’s suck. Just their movies do. Haim is a good guy, for the most part, he just can’t pick a script if was tattooed on his face. Hart had that song, that one time. We all liked it then, right? Feldman…well, yeah, he sucks. But he’s not all Coreys! So there you go.

Keep on keeping Coreying!

- Corey

Craig –

Why did we fight the civil war? I mean seriously. If me, Haim, Feldman, Hart, et al can live in harmonious Corey-ness, how did this great nation of ours become divided? Simply put, however, The American Civil War (1861–1865) was a major war between the United States (the “Union”) and eleven Southern states which declared that they had a right to secession and formed the Confederate States of America, led by President Jefferson Davis. The Union, led by President Abraham Lincoln and the Republican Party, which had opposed the expansion of slavery into territories owned by the United States, rejected any right of secession. Fighting commenced on April 12, 1861, when Confederate forces attacked a United States (federal) military installation at Fort Sumter in South Carolina, the first state to secede.

Thanks for the question!

Dear Corey,

Why do all other Coreys suck?

Dear Corey-

Why did we fight the Civil War?

Dear Crager – Thanks for your questions, but I think you’re thinking of Corey Hart. He’s a different, albeit also talented Corey. Thanks anyway, and keep on Coreying.

Corey-ily yours,

Corey

hee

Dear Corey-

What was it like working with Jonathon Schaech in Road House 2: Last Call?

Your mate,

Crager